1 00:00:01,168 --> 00:00:04,703 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:08,040 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,643 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,646 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:18,150 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,536 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,132 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:24,489 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:30,128 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,735 Peter, come on, time to get dressed 11 00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:38,298 for our Valentine's Day dinner. 12 00:00:38,322 --> 00:00:39,933 We don't want to be late for our reservation. 13 00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:41,489 Reservation? 14 00:00:41,558 --> 00:00:43,918 Yeah. I decided we're going someplace nice this time. 15 00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:46,773 Not like last year when we went to the Outback Steakhouse, 16 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:49,164 but it's "out" as in the gay way. 17 00:00:49,232 --> 00:00:52,901 We'll get to the specials, but first, I need to tell you... 18 00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:54,402 I'm gay. 19 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:55,671 The hell you are! 20 00:00:55,739 --> 00:00:57,450 No waiter of mine is gonna be gay! 21 00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:59,675 Peter, please. He's our waiter. 22 00:00:59,743 --> 00:01:01,677 He's the only waiter we have. 23 00:01:01,745 --> 00:01:03,912 Lois, our waiter is dead to us. 24 00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:06,782 We have to focus all our attention on our hostess now. 25 00:01:06,850 --> 00:01:09,401 He-he just needs a little time. 26 00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:10,981 Scott... 27 00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:15,240 I'm finally ready to hear the specials. 28 00:01:15,308 --> 00:01:17,087 Well, happy Valentine's Day, Lois. 29 00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:20,145 Let's have a dying marriage side-face kiss. 30 00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,546 Mwah. 31 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:24,382 Well, I better set out a can of tuna fish and a cigar 32 00:01:24,451 --> 00:01:25,884 for Arthur Valentine. 33 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:28,754 I can't wait to see what he brings me. 34 00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:31,740 Uh, you want to tell us what the holy hell that was? 35 00:01:31,809 --> 00:01:33,820 I'm afraid it's something we made up 36 00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:35,811 that we finally need to deal with. 37 00:01:35,879 --> 00:01:38,160 You see, years ago, when Chris was in preschool... 38 00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:45,537 Peter, poor Chris didn't get a single valentine today 39 00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,306 from any of his classmates. 40 00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:48,606 What? Why not? 41 00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:50,287 Apparently, he's not well liked. 42 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:51,988 Some of the kids think he's weird 43 00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:53,890 because he takes his shirt off to pee. 44 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:56,748 Yeah, I taught him that. That's also called "peeing." 45 00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,516 Pee? Pee now? 46 00:01:58,585 --> 00:01:59,952 No. No, Chris. 47 00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:03,455 Why no valentines? 48 00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:05,523 Hey, hey, hey, stop crying, Chris. 49 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:06,825 Y-You're gonna... 50 00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:09,161 Y-You're gonna get tons of valentines. 51 00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:11,529 I am? From who? 52 00:02:11,598 --> 00:02:15,367 Um, from... Arthur Valentine. 53 00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:16,868 R-Really? 54 00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,670 Yeah, yeah, that's right! 55 00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:21,306 Who's Arthur Valentine? 56 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:23,509 Only the most magical man ever. 57 00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:26,878 And he comes every Valentine's Day on-on a-a... 58 00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:29,481 a purple Vespa to, um... 59 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,783 to bring candy and sweet notes to children 60 00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:34,164 who've managed to not use any swears in the last year. 61 00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:35,320 He does? 62 00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,489 Uh-huh, and he has a long beard... 63 00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:39,169 Oh, and-and he's got an eye patch. 64 00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:41,660 B-But not for medical reasons, he just likes the look. 65 00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:44,029 Plus, he-he wears a Cat in the Hat hat 66 00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:46,665 and sometimes a scarf, no matter what Lois says 67 00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,545 because it gives him a youthful vibe 68 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,702 and adds some color to his face. 69 00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:53,405 We were just trying to cheer Chris up. 70 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,452 I assumed he'd outgrow it in a few years, 71 00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:58,243 but, Peter, it's time we have a talk with Chris. 72 00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:01,291 We've got to put an end to this Arthur Valentine nonsense. 73 00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:03,365 Yeah, I guess you're right. 74 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,300 Well, I best be going anyway. 75 00:03:05,369 --> 00:03:07,602 Donna and I are spending our Valentine's Day 76 00:03:07,671 --> 00:03:10,905 in Johnnie Cochran pajamas, just caressing each other 77 00:03:10,974 --> 00:03:12,907 in a very beige bedroom. 78 00:03:12,976 --> 00:03:14,621 Yeah, and hopefully Bonnie and I'll 79 00:03:14,645 --> 00:03:16,522 do a sexy bath night like last year. 80 00:03:16,546 --> 00:03:17,979 It was amazing. 81 00:03:18,047 --> 00:03:20,248 She laid out a trail of rose petals, 82 00:03:20,317 --> 00:03:23,084 and I elbow-crawled to the sponge and shower chair. 83 00:03:23,153 --> 00:03:26,065 I go down to the video store and put my hand on Love Actually 84 00:03:26,089 --> 00:03:28,129 at the same time as a woman, and I go, 85 00:03:28,158 --> 00:03:31,693 "Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!" 86 00:03:31,762 --> 00:03:35,097 What about you, Brian? What are your plans for Valentine's Day? 87 00:03:35,165 --> 00:03:38,566 What? Oh, uh, no real plans, I guess. 88 00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:41,381 Ha! Looks like Brian's the only guy with nothing going on. 89 00:03:41,405 --> 00:03:43,249 Hey, you can come over to my house, Brian. 90 00:03:43,273 --> 00:03:44,917 I thought you had that whole thing with Bonnie. 91 00:03:44,941 --> 00:03:48,477 I do, but she needs help lifting me into the shower chair. 92 00:03:53,517 --> 00:03:54,966 Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. 93 00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:58,203 Our top story, today the Quahog River was dyed red 94 00:03:58,272 --> 00:03:59,771 in honor of Valentine's Day. 95 00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:01,984 So if you're looking to do a river murder, 96 00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:03,425 this could be your window. 97 00:04:03,494 --> 00:04:06,261 Stupid Hallmark holiday anyway. 98 00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,074 Oh, hey, Bri. How's your night going? 99 00:04:08,098 --> 00:04:11,316 I hope Rupert and I haven't been too loud up there. 100 00:04:11,384 --> 00:04:14,953 Happy Valentine's Day! 101 00:04:15,021 --> 00:04:17,322 Oh, yeah, we're gonna go all night. 102 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:20,475 Just leave me alone, Stewie. 103 00:04:20,544 --> 00:04:23,645 Well, Brian, if you're stuck being a single loser, 104 00:04:23,713 --> 00:04:25,980 you might as well just embrace it. 105 00:04:26,050 --> 00:04:29,484 Mmm. Oh, yeah. 106 00:04:29,553 --> 00:04:31,097 Wait a minute. What am I thinking? 107 00:04:31,121 --> 00:04:34,189 Chocolate is poisonous to dogs. I better stop or... 108 00:04:37,394 --> 00:04:40,795 Happy Valentine's Day! 109 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,442 Stop the damn banging! 110 00:04:42,466 --> 00:04:45,967 People are trying to have dignified relations! 111 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,207 Oh, boy, look! 112 00:04:52,276 --> 00:04:55,760 Arthur Valentine brought me plates and a salt shaker! 113 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,429 Chris, Chris, settle down. 114 00:04:57,497 --> 00:04:59,409 I-It's actually time your father and I 115 00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,733 had a talk with you about Arthur Valentine. 116 00:05:01,785 --> 00:05:03,262 Yeah, that's, uh, that's right. 117 00:05:03,286 --> 00:05:06,054 Um, son... 118 00:05:06,123 --> 00:05:08,489 I'm afraid Arthur Valentine isn't real. 119 00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:10,859 What? Not real? 120 00:05:10,927 --> 00:05:13,895 Then who leaves those notes with all the misspellings? 121 00:05:13,964 --> 00:05:17,165 Well, first, Chris, English is a very fluid language. 122 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,834 We're sorry, but you're old enough now to know the truth. 123 00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:22,570 He... he doesn't exist. 124 00:05:22,639 --> 00:05:26,007 No! You're both lying! 125 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,176 What are we gonna do? 126 00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:30,579 It seems like there's no getting through to him. 127 00:05:30,647 --> 00:05:33,014 You know, if Chris is this hard to convince, 128 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,349 we may just have to kill Arthur Valentine. 129 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:37,018 What? What do you mean? 130 00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:41,089 Maybe we make Chris believe that Arthur Valentine is dead. 131 00:05:41,157 --> 00:05:44,659 Huh. Well, we just might have to. 132 00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,097 Hey, what's the matter, Brian? 133 00:05:49,166 --> 00:05:51,717 Have you fallen and can't get up? 134 00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:54,219 Turns out, still using that joke is a felony. 135 00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:56,988 Guess I better not drop the soap. 136 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,990 That one's the death penalty. 137 00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,262 You were very lucky. 138 00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:06,459 We managed to pump your stomach just in time. 139 00:06:06,483 --> 00:06:07,949 Oh, thank God. 140 00:06:08,017 --> 00:06:10,362 I had him pump my stomach, too. Doc, what was in there? 141 00:06:10,386 --> 00:06:11,997 Well, it's a pretty extensive list. 142 00:06:12,021 --> 00:06:13,621 I'm gonna need Billy Joel to help me out. 143 00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:15,701 ♪ Lots of Legos, rubber bands ♪ 144 00:06:15,725 --> 00:06:17,491 ♪ Web-shooting Spider-Man ♪ 145 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,305 ♪ An old pet rock, an antique clock ♪ 146 00:06:19,329 --> 00:06:20,995 ♪ A ton of red Play-Doh ♪ 147 00:06:21,064 --> 00:06:22,474 ♪ Colored pencils, lots of nickels ♪ 148 00:06:22,498 --> 00:06:24,376 ♪ Half a jar of Vlasic Pickles ♪ 149 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,702 ♪ Banjo strings, chicken wings, Cassingle by Skee-Lo ♪ 150 00:06:27,770 --> 00:06:30,404 ♪ I didn't poop those items ♪ 151 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:34,275 ♪ They were in my tummy 'cause they all looked yummy ♪ 152 00:06:34,344 --> 00:06:37,111 ♪ He didn't poop those items ♪ 153 00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:40,715 ♪ He tried to eat 'em, so you shouldn't feed him. ♪ 154 00:06:41,852 --> 00:06:43,684 Wow, that was great, Billy! 155 00:06:43,753 --> 00:06:46,787 Hey, does anyone call you Bill Joel or William Joel? 156 00:06:46,857 --> 00:06:49,924 Uh, no. Does anyone call you Petey Griffin? 157 00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,871 No, they don't, because I'm an adult, 158 00:06:51,895 --> 00:06:54,078 which is kind of what I was getting at. 159 00:06:58,569 --> 00:07:01,653 Ugh. Who sends a Christmas card to their vet? 160 00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,888 I know. It's so lame, right? 161 00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,903 And did you see the lady outside with the empty cat carrier? 162 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,693 Ugh. Cry much? 163 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,202 Yeah. Yeah, I bet she actually thinks that thing loved her. 164 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,765 Hey, I'm Brian. 165 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:14,866 Shake. 166 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,567 Nice to meet you. I'm Ellie. 167 00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:17,936 What are you in for? 168 00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:20,382 Uh, I got this small cut, and they wanted to bandage it 169 00:07:20,406 --> 00:07:22,707 so I'd stop chewing the crap out of my foot. 170 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,510 Aw, that sucks. I love chewing the crap out of my foot. 171 00:07:25,578 --> 00:07:27,211 I know, it's the best. 172 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,920 But while I was here, I also had to get... 173 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,202 a prescription filled. 174 00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:35,553 Listen, I got to go. 175 00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,467 You want to continue this sometime? 176 00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:40,057 Let me give you my number. It's on the back of here. 177 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:42,127 - It's this. - Got it. 178 00:07:44,514 --> 00:07:46,715 See you around, Brian. 179 00:07:46,783 --> 00:07:48,399 Definitely. 180 00:07:48,451 --> 00:07:50,418 Bye, Ellie. 181 00:07:50,486 --> 00:07:53,087 Is this the Veteran Aryan's office? 182 00:07:53,156 --> 00:07:55,290 No, this is the veterinarian's. 183 00:07:55,358 --> 00:07:58,726 I think you want the Veteran Aryan's Center next door. 184 00:07:58,795 --> 00:08:02,297 Ah, I see the confusion. This must happen all the time. 185 00:08:02,365 --> 00:08:03,976 We're ready for the German shepherd. 186 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,577 Ja, that would be me. 187 00:08:05,601 --> 00:08:08,452 This is a very confusing lobby. 188 00:08:23,636 --> 00:08:25,270 Hey. Hey. 189 00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:28,017 You think you could be with me? Right here? In this place? 190 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:29,385 Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. Sorry, Stewie. 191 00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,076 It's-it's just... 192 00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:34,579 I met someone amazing the other day at the vet's office, and... 193 00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:36,281 Well, she's actually a dog. 194 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,862 And it's so great dating someone who understands 195 00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:41,586 why it's especially important to walk around in a circle 196 00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:43,614 many, many times before lying down. 197 00:08:43,656 --> 00:08:45,235 So, that's who you were texting with? 198 00:08:45,259 --> 00:08:47,303 Sort of. I-I was just rereading some of the texts 199 00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:48,760 I already sent her. 200 00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:50,762 That's good. 201 00:08:50,830 --> 00:08:52,641 You're rereading your own texts? 202 00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:54,077 Yeah, do you, do you not do that? 203 00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,167 Nobody does that. 204 00:09:01,691 --> 00:09:03,190 Golden Eagle to Red Shrew. 205 00:09:03,259 --> 00:09:05,004 Ready for the plan? Come in, Red Shrew. 206 00:09:05,028 --> 00:09:07,907 Peter, we did not decide on those names. 207 00:09:07,931 --> 00:09:11,633 Chris, come down here, quick! I see Arthur Valentine outside! 208 00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:13,201 I think he's come to say hi! 209 00:09:13,269 --> 00:09:14,269 Really?! 210 00:09:14,338 --> 00:09:15,704 Yeah, look. 211 00:09:17,207 --> 00:09:19,207 Oh, my God. Hi, Arthur! 212 00:09:19,276 --> 00:09:22,377 I love you so much, and I haven't cussed once today! 213 00:09:22,445 --> 00:09:25,613 Dad, get the bowl of tuna from under my bed! 214 00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:32,303 Arthur! 215 00:09:32,356 --> 00:09:34,522 Oh, my God, he's dead. 216 00:09:34,591 --> 00:09:35,790 He's dead! 217 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:44,315 Mission accomplished, Red Shrew. Over and out. 218 00:09:44,383 --> 00:09:46,383 Huh. That looks tasty. 219 00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:50,421 Little walkie-talkie piece. 220 00:09:56,913 --> 00:09:59,413 God, I forgot how much I love art. 221 00:09:59,482 --> 00:10:01,093 Hey, who's your favorite artist? 222 00:10:01,117 --> 00:10:02,717 Me? Uh... 223 00:10:04,321 --> 00:10:06,687 You know, I really like, uh, that Jackson "Polack." 224 00:10:06,756 --> 00:10:09,068 You know, I-I know they're not supposed to be that bright, 225 00:10:09,092 --> 00:10:10,937 but that was, that was pretty genius, you know? 226 00:10:10,961 --> 00:10:13,772 I mean, leave it, leave it to a Polack to just grab the paint 227 00:10:13,796 --> 00:10:15,607 with his hands and just start chucking it everywhere. 228 00:10:15,631 --> 00:10:17,031 I mean, it's great. 229 00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:18,945 It's pronounced "Pollock." 230 00:10:18,969 --> 00:10:21,502 But, Brian, you don't have to keep trying so hard 231 00:10:21,571 --> 00:10:22,670 to impress me. 232 00:10:22,739 --> 00:10:24,388 I already really like you. 233 00:10:24,441 --> 00:10:26,073 You do? Thanks. 234 00:10:26,142 --> 00:10:28,610 I-I really like you, too, Ellie. 235 00:10:28,678 --> 00:10:32,547 Truth is, I haven't felt this way with anyone in a long time. 236 00:10:32,616 --> 00:10:34,560 Listen, I'm really sorry to cut things short, 237 00:10:34,584 --> 00:10:36,684 but I've got to go; I have rehearsal. 238 00:10:36,753 --> 00:10:38,620 - Oh, what, for a play? - No. 239 00:10:38,688 --> 00:10:41,923 It's kind of dumb, but it's for a dog show. 240 00:10:41,991 --> 00:10:43,224 Oh, you're a show dog? 241 00:10:43,293 --> 00:10:45,438 No wonder you have such a perfectly coiffed anus. 242 00:10:45,462 --> 00:10:46,462 Thank you. 243 00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:48,463 No, thank you. It's perfect. 244 00:10:48,532 --> 00:10:51,176 I mean, I... God, I-I bet every time you go snarfling on it, 245 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,945 you have to stop and admire it. 246 00:10:52,969 --> 00:10:54,009 Come on, now, Brian. 247 00:10:54,037 --> 00:10:56,037 A lady has to have a few secrets. 248 00:10:58,057 --> 00:11:00,157 Man, she is something else. 249 00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:03,161 This must be how Ronald Reagan felt about Nancy. 250 00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:06,497 Nancy, will you make me the happiest man in the world 251 00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:08,967 by turning a blind eye to the AIDS crisis 252 00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:12,170 and ineffectually trying to warn young people about drugs? 253 00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:13,238 Yes! 254 00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:14,906 Oh, yes, Ronnie! Yes! 255 00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:16,619 ♪ If you're too young ♪ 256 00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:18,603 ♪ Those are both things she did! ♪ 257 00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:27,096 Peter, I'm really worried about Chris. 258 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,353 The shock of seeing Arthur Valentine die 259 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,266 seems to have really gotten to him. 260 00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:34,392 I-I've never seen him so depressed and catatonic. 261 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:35,838 Well, you know, in Awakenings, 262 00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,407 Robin Williams tossed a baseball to Robert De Niro, 263 00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:39,842 and he snapped out of it and caught it. 264 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,116 M-Maybe we do that. 265 00:11:41,184 --> 00:11:43,918 Chris, you doing okay? 266 00:11:43,987 --> 00:11:45,587 It's Mom and Dad. 267 00:11:45,655 --> 00:11:47,433 We thought we'd... Awakenings! 268 00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:48,634 Peter, I'm not sure that's... 269 00:11:48,658 --> 00:11:49,658 Awakenings! 270 00:11:49,726 --> 00:11:50,769 You're gonna hurt him if you... 271 00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:51,793 Awakenings! 272 00:11:51,861 --> 00:11:53,161 Peter, knock it off. 273 00:11:53,230 --> 00:11:56,264 I never thought Chris would take things so hard. 274 00:11:56,333 --> 00:11:59,033 I think we went too far by killing Arthur Valentine. 275 00:11:59,102 --> 00:12:01,068 We have to bring him back to life. 276 00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:02,537 What? Are you serious? 277 00:12:02,606 --> 00:12:05,273 It's the only thing that'll snap him out of it. 278 00:12:05,342 --> 00:12:08,009 Well, maybe, but what if I try it with a basketball? 279 00:12:08,077 --> 00:12:09,344 Awakenings! 280 00:12:09,412 --> 00:12:11,012 Oh, God, that broke his nose. 281 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:13,714 He didn't even flinch. It's bad. Let's do your thing. 282 00:12:13,783 --> 00:12:16,028 Let's-let's twirl some toilet paper up into his nose, 283 00:12:16,052 --> 00:12:18,419 and-and then when... we'll-we'll do your thing. 284 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,142 Wow, thanks again. 285 00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:25,843 What a nice dinner. 286 00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:27,979 I'm so lucky to have met you, Brian. 287 00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:30,014 You're such an amazing guy. 288 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,349 I'd say we're both lucky. 289 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,651 Oh, no, no, no, wait! 290 00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:35,386 Don't-don't do that. 291 00:12:35,454 --> 00:12:36,988 What-what? What's the matter? 292 00:12:37,056 --> 00:12:38,689 Oh, brutal. 293 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:41,358 Yeah, that's gonna be a terrible car ride, man. 294 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:44,345 I would hate to be you, and I'm me. 295 00:12:44,414 --> 00:12:45,713 I'm really sorry, Brian. 296 00:12:45,781 --> 00:12:47,759 It's not that I don't want to kiss you. 297 00:12:47,783 --> 00:12:51,219 I smell the poop on your breath, and then that's all I want, 298 00:12:51,287 --> 00:12:53,354 but my owners made an arrangement 299 00:12:53,423 --> 00:12:55,690 with the organizers of the next dog show. 300 00:12:55,758 --> 00:12:58,392 They paid a lot of money to schedule me to breed 301 00:12:58,461 --> 00:13:01,095 with whichever male dog wins the competition. 302 00:13:01,163 --> 00:13:04,031 What, like... like breed breed? 303 00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:05,745 I know it might seem odd to you, 304 00:13:05,769 --> 00:13:08,269 but this happens in the dog show world. 305 00:13:08,337 --> 00:13:11,105 I have to have sex with whichever male dog wins, 306 00:13:11,173 --> 00:13:12,957 whoever that ends up being. 307 00:13:15,412 --> 00:13:17,445 Stewie, we're entering a dog show! 308 00:13:18,781 --> 00:13:20,560 - Where's Stewie? - He ate me! 309 00:13:20,584 --> 00:13:22,684 - I ate him. - ♪ He ate Stewie, holy crap ♪ 310 00:13:22,752 --> 00:13:25,186 ♪ Family Guy will be right back! ♪ 311 00:13:30,427 --> 00:13:31,770 All right, Brian. Now, if we're going to get you 312 00:13:31,794 --> 00:13:33,573 ready to compete in that dog show, 313 00:13:33,597 --> 00:13:35,257 we've got a lot of training to cover. 314 00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:37,426 Let's begin by doing some work with the clicker. 315 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,162 Oh, yeah, I've seen these. 316 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:40,930 You click it when you want me to do a trick, 317 00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:43,099 and then I get a treat, so I associate the two. 318 00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,356 No. I use it to punctuate my jokes. 319 00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:48,359 Now, Brian you've got to roll over and be good on all fours. 320 00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,561 If Nathan Lane can do it, so can you. 321 00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,574 Okay. 322 00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:55,011 But maybe we should just focus on getting ready for the show. 323 00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,712 Well, look who wants to be prepared. 324 00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:59,081 You're a regular Beagle Scout. 325 00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:01,973 Wait, shouldn't I be the one who clicks if I like the joke? 326 00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,886 You can't just click after everything you say. 327 00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:06,588 If it's funny, I can. And so far, they've all landed. 328 00:14:06,612 --> 00:14:09,314 Unlike the planes on 9/11. 329 00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:10,882 See? No click. 330 00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:13,084 That one was in poor taste. Not funny. 331 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:14,697 You know, I was supposed to be on one of those planes. 332 00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,054 Yeah, me, too. 333 00:14:22,412 --> 00:14:24,412 Um, yes. Brian Griffin. 334 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:25,625 Brian? 335 00:14:25,649 --> 00:14:27,231 What are you doing here? 336 00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:28,845 Oh, hey! 337 00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:31,109 Uh, you know, I... You-you just made dog shows 338 00:14:31,137 --> 00:14:33,972 sound so fun the other day, I-I thought I'd give it a try. 339 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,474 Who knows? Maybe I'll end up top dog. 340 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:37,987 And on top of you. 341 00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,605 Thanks, Stewie. 342 00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:42,408 Brian, most of these dogs have been training since birth. 343 00:14:42,432 --> 00:14:44,143 Are you sure you're ready for this? 344 00:14:44,167 --> 00:14:46,467 You bet I am. I've never been so prepared. 345 00:14:46,536 --> 00:14:48,102 I'm a regular Beagle Scout. 346 00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:53,907 That's hilarious. 347 00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:54,976 Good luck, Brian. 348 00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,264 Chris, you got to snap out of this. 349 00:15:05,288 --> 00:15:08,072 I mean, I've been where you're at. 350 00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:10,741 Listen, I've never told anyone this, 351 00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:13,911 but I killed a jaywalker in 2002. 352 00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:16,414 She looked old, but she was only 51. 353 00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,561 I mean, back then, that was old to me. 354 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,619 It's why I always talk and ask questions so much. 355 00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:24,989 When there's any moment of quiet, I think about her. 356 00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:27,458 That's why all mothers do that. 357 00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:30,228 Every mother has killed someone. 358 00:15:31,397 --> 00:15:33,231 Now drink your ginger ale. 359 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:34,300 Hey, hey, hey! 360 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,933 It's Arthur Valentine, 361 00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:38,503 here to accelerate awkwardly into a bush. 362 00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:41,706 Damn it! 363 00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:46,410 Arthur... 364 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,495 Valentine? 365 00:15:48,564 --> 00:15:50,631 Chris! You're okay! 366 00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:52,833 But I saw him die. 367 00:15:52,902 --> 00:15:55,002 That can only mean one thing. 368 00:15:55,071 --> 00:15:56,837 He must be a zombie! 369 00:15:56,906 --> 00:15:58,889 What? No! No, no. What?! 370 00:16:00,910 --> 00:16:02,426 Stop! 371 00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:03,655 What the hell are you doing?! 372 00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:06,230 I've seen The Walking Dead! 373 00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:07,748 I have to destroy your brain 374 00:16:07,816 --> 00:16:09,901 and then talk about it for the next hour! 375 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,413 - Chris, take it easy! - Get off of him! 376 00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:13,718 - You're gonna kill me! - It's not what you think! 377 00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:16,207 Dad? 378 00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:17,675 But... I don't... 379 00:16:17,743 --> 00:16:18,910 I... How did... 380 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,978 I'm not Arthur Valentine, son. 381 00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:22,847 We're so sorry, Chris. 382 00:16:22,916 --> 00:16:24,816 Now do you understand? 383 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:27,468 There is no Arthur Valentine? 384 00:16:27,537 --> 00:16:29,870 We never meant to hurt you, buddy. 385 00:16:33,476 --> 00:16:36,422 Valentine's Day would take on new meaning for Chris 386 00:16:36,446 --> 00:16:38,111 in the years to come, 387 00:16:38,180 --> 00:16:42,249 but he would remember none so bittersweetly as this one. 388 00:16:42,318 --> 00:16:46,070 This is Joe Swanson, signing off. 389 00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:47,683 Joe, your mom died. 390 00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:48,856 Seriously? 391 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,294 How you doing? You feeling good? 392 00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:00,929 Because this thing is gonna come down to the arbitrary whims 393 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,553 of whatever elderly volunteers 394 00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:05,000 were able to get transportation here on a Tuesday. 395 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,757 Yeah, I... Hey, watch it! 396 00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:08,125 The hell's his problem? 397 00:17:08,177 --> 00:17:09,855 Careful. That's your competition. 398 00:17:09,879 --> 00:17:11,211 His name's Max. 399 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:14,181 He's a four-time winner and kind of a crowd favorite. 400 00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,379 Okay, who wants to start the dog show? 401 00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:22,685 Who wants to start it? 402 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,887 Yes, you all want to start the dog show, don't you? 403 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:27,377 Don't you? 404 00:17:27,446 --> 00:17:30,331 ♪ ♪ 405 00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:49,667 ♪ ♪ 406 00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,384 That'll do it for the males. 407 00:18:12,408 --> 00:18:14,420 And as our judges tabulate the results, 408 00:18:14,444 --> 00:18:17,028 we can now announce our female division. 409 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,863 The winning bitch, for the tenth year in a row, 410 00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:22,033 is Katherine Heigl! 411 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,879 Thank you, thank you. 412 00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:26,954 No, but for real, it's that dog Ellie over there. 413 00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:35,212 And our winner in the male division is... 414 00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,981 Brian Griffin! 415 00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:39,049 Yes! 416 00:18:44,073 --> 00:18:45,918 Man, thank you for all your help, Stewie. 417 00:18:45,942 --> 00:18:47,119 I really couldn't have done it... 418 00:18:47,143 --> 00:18:48,343 What the... What's going on? 419 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,031 This-this is it? 420 00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:56,133 It's happening right here? Right now? 421 00:18:56,202 --> 00:18:58,802 Uh-huh. They have to certify the union, Brian. 422 00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:00,288 Stud is ready to mount. 423 00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:01,705 Please turn up the lights. 424 00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:03,974 What? No! No, the opposite! 425 00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:05,654 In fact, could someone maybe turn on 426 00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:07,261 some-some Drake or The Weeknd? 427 00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:09,730 Ha! He's blowing it! He can't do it! 428 00:19:09,798 --> 00:19:11,726 Quagmire?! What are you doing here? 429 00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:13,083 Oh, I have an all-access pass 430 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,247 to anything in this town that's sex-related. 431 00:19:15,271 --> 00:19:16,770 Offering manual assistance. 432 00:19:16,839 --> 00:19:18,122 Commencing union. 433 00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:20,169 Okay, okay, thanks, man, but, yeah, no, 434 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,759 I-I got this, I got this. 435 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,506 If-if you just-just give me a second to get, like, 436 00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:24,828 a scenario in my head. 437 00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,964 Uh, maybe a hot babysitter 438 00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:29,967 who needs to pay for college so she, uh... - 439 00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,730 Can somebody please shut those dogs up?! 440 00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:34,255 This specimen is unable to perform. 441 00:19:34,323 --> 00:19:35,840 Please bring in the boxer. 442 00:19:41,998 --> 00:19:43,408 I'm sorry, Brian, but this is 443 00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:45,199 what I was trying to tell you. 444 00:19:45,268 --> 00:19:48,368 I'm sorry, too, but I see now that you were right. 445 00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,415 I'm just not sure how this could work 446 00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:52,907 or-or how our relationship could fit into your world. 447 00:19:52,975 --> 00:19:54,586 Hey, less talk! 448 00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,343 I guess this is good-bye. 449 00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:57,756 I guess it is. 450 00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,746 I'll always remember you, Brian. 451 00:19:59,816 --> 00:20:01,660 And I'll always remember you, Ellie. 452 00:20:01,684 --> 00:20:05,019 I promise to name one of the puppies after you. 453 00:20:05,087 --> 00:20:07,332 Let's just cross our fingers... 454 00:20:07,356 --> 00:20:09,623 it's not one of the ones he eats. 455 00:20:09,692 --> 00:20:11,358 Thanks. That means a lot... 456 00:20:11,426 --> 00:20:13,304 Okay, we're at the part where he bites down 457 00:20:13,328 --> 00:20:15,406 on the back of my neck, so we should probably wrap this up. 458 00:20:15,430 --> 00:20:16,797 Yup. 459 00:20:16,866 --> 00:20:20,201 Whoa! Max's grandfather may have been a horse. 460 00:20:20,269 --> 00:20:21,635 Come on, let's just go home. 461 00:20:21,704 --> 00:20:23,203 Okay. 462 00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:26,156 Is this the romantic ending you were hoping for? 463 00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,425 Look, that was a tricky situation, all right? 464 00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:30,305 The lights, the people watching. 465 00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:32,207 If-if it hadn't been for all that, I... 466 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:35,143 trust me, I-I would've, I would've set her world on fire. 467 00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:36,878 No way. You didn't even start the fire. 468 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,101 Oh, no. 469 00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:39,681 ♪ Nancy Reagan, preschool Chris ♪ 470 00:20:39,705 --> 00:20:41,272 ♪ Nosey valet, young Lois ♪ 471 00:20:41,340 --> 00:20:42,973 ♪ German guy, lots of dogs ♪ 472 00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:44,508 ♪ Arthur Valentine ♪ 473 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:47,511 ♪ We didn't write an ending ♪ 474 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:51,482 ♪ So we're all together, trying to make it better ♪ 475 00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:54,485 ♪ They didn't write an ending ♪ 476 00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:57,788 ♪ But what the heck? I'll still take the check ♪ 477 00:20:57,856 --> 00:20:59,790 ♪ The check, the check. ♪ 478 00:21:01,059 --> 00:21:03,276 Mom killed a jaywalker.